|
| Purify the colors, purify my mind.
What happened to all the things I wanted to accomplish this summer? The books, the writing, the running, the trips... I'm lucky in that I still have over a month.
I'm really scared that I'm going to miss my favorite teachers next year. What if my professors don't have faith in me like my teachers in high school did? The kind of people who just knew me and appreciated me for my eccentricities and compulsions. As much as I'd never really admit it, that pushed me about as much as I could have motivated myself. They'll be there. It's okay.
I've kind of reached this place where saying "it's okay" and "it'll be okay" are kind of automatic responses whenever there's a grievance, and I don't think it's necessarily a good habit. Yeah, it's not bad that I'm hopeful, but I stop thought from continuing past the point of "okay" and skate over a lot of things. It's like putting up this wall to stop the thinking from going any further. It started out of a need to reassure myself, but now it's more of a hindrance than relief.
I love having a family that is totally insane. Never a dull day at the Hay household. | | |
| Take me back to when I understood my emotions; better yet, when my emotions were valid. Or when I had close friends, that'd be nice. Somehow I've lost that. I remember summer sleepovers and sharing cake and space on the kitchen floor and I'm not getting that. I also realize I've stopped writing. And I haven't finished a book in weeks. And I'm starting to resent my family. What I'm feeling must be akin to slowly losing it. I need a task. I need lots and lots of tasks. Something other than reading or making me think too much. I need Gilmore Girls to make me happy again. Or entire class periods devoted to one objective and I need to master that and use my brain because I'm afraid the muscle is starting to atrophy. | | |
| Hi. I can't remember the last time I had 3 or more successive 1 A.M. nights. Summer's here, finally. I get bored so easily, though... And I am pretty down with enjoying solitude and stuff, but it's so weird because sometimes I can't stand the endless nothing of an entire day, and other times it's okay. I guess I'm just anticipating change, so being neither here nor there is something new for me. I got my computer, which is cool. I was super excited the first couple of days, mostly because I was obsessively tracking it online and when it came it was like holding an infant; but now that I have it, its novelty is kind of wearing off. See, that's what I'm talking about. Kind of like, losing interest in things. That could be misinterpreted and is not meant to be, but I'm kind of realizing how much of an old person I really am. I don't act my age. That's rough stuff. | | |
| I wouldn't have done anything differently. I was friends with different types of people, forged strong relationships with teachers, took advantage of every opportunity that arose, and learned that I know nothing. "Wisdom and certainty begin with doubt." And at the end of the day, it's all okay. As for what's next, I'm excited to find out. That's not to say I'm not sometimes terrified, and I sometimes can't sleep, and I sometimes worry that I'm doing the wrong thing; but that whatever it is, it's coming. I have not yet arrived, but I can love the time in between. I am thankful for my father, for my mother, for my sister, for my brothers. For the people whose definitions of me have challenged, affirmed, uplifted me. For the people whose definitions of me have helped me define myself, by rejecting or accepting them. Life is good, and getting better. | | |
| Today. Tears. Taking a walk. Tortilla chips. Talking to Friday night diners. Trying things on. Taking care of business. Turning on my fan. Tying up my hair. Thinking so differently. Taking a ride. | | |
|
